I'm Trying to Breathe, But There's No Air

I'm angry.

I'm angry at you for doing this to me. I'm angry that you were able to steal something so precious and dear to me and rip it to shreds like it was nothing. I don't trust people; it's not in my nature because I'm so afraid of being rejected by those around me, or hurt, or humilated. And I open up to one person in my whole entire life and you turn around and stab me in the back. You tell me you were never happy when we were friends, so you decided it was time to move on. You couldn't have told me? You couldn't have mentioned it before I got to school the beginning of this year, thinking we were still best friends? You left me in the dark, in a very cold world; the only light I'd ever known, vanished. Like the sun will never shine again. And it's so cold and selfish the way you did it, not because you wanted to move on, but because you led me to believe for so long that you cared anything about me. That I let MYSELF believe that someone as wonderful and understanding as you could ever think of me as a sister. Not the way I thought of you. I was proud to tell people you were my best friend. It was one of the best things about me. People accepted me because YOU accepted me. I let you in and I trusted you; I trusted you with my life, and all my emotions because you cared about me. You cared about me like no other friend has ever cared about me and more than anyone ever will again.

But I was misled. You decieved me. You lied. You were "unhappy" with the way things were. You were upset with yourself for letting yourself be "molded" so that I'D accept you. Hah. You didn't need to change. Whatever interests it was that brought us together wasn't the reason we stayed friends; wasn't the reason I gave so much of myself to you. And yet, that's the reason you left me behind. Because you were ready to be happy with yourself and "didn't care about suffering the consequences". That's a lie. You were never the one to suffer. EVER. Because everybody loves you and everybody likes you because you're amazing. I was decieved to think I was so lucky as to have THAT GIRL care about me so much. No matter how upset and unhappy you claim to have been, I know it's a lie. The person you were made you happy; nobody could lie for four years. Nobody. And if you did, you did it well, because I, who keeps to herself and never lets anyone in, trusted you and loved you enough to show you who I was. To show you everything that made me who I was, something I NEVER in my life and showed anybody else. And you stole that from me, and then ran away.

And it sucks MORE because you saw that video and you knew it was for you and you gave me a hug the next day and said we'd talk. Why? If all you were going to say to me was that you weren't happy being my friend and didn't care about hurting me to move on? You said in your email; you didn't even come over and look me in the eye when you shattered me; that you weren't worth the pain I was feeling. That I shouldn't let you ruin the best years of my life. The best years of my life were BECAUSE OF YOU. I would have been miserable and lonely had you not come into my life. I would have stayed that way, maybe forever. And you know what, it was YOU who got us into advanced editing, so don't try and blame my "molding" on that. You shaped me as much as I may have shaped you. And I was so proud of us two years ago, because all the teachers knew how close we were, and now, teachers are shocked to find out we even KNOW one another. And you don't get it. Because you say to me that you "had no idea it'd cause me so much pain". No idea? I told you as much in the video.

I CANNOT GET YOU OUT.

And you didn't care enough, knowing I was in so much pain, to try and fix things, at least a little bit. I TOLD you, however indirectly it may have been, that I was SUFFERING BEYOND IMAGINATION. I SAID that. And that made no difference to you. I used to look up to you and admire you; but that is cold and cruel.

More than all that, I'm angry the most at myself for letting myself trust you so much. The girl I told you about will be coming over tomorrow night, because she knocked on my door when I was sobbing and weeping and screaming and I couldn't bring myself to tell her why. She's been the only one to try and pick up the pieces you left behind the start of this year, even if she doesn't realize it. She'll know the whole truth now, and I'm terrified, because this is just me opening my heart to someone else who I think cares about me now, but who knows? I thought you cared about me and look where I am now. I wish I could die because I'm so lonely. And there are all of two people in this whole world who I feel like, when they say they love me, I can believe them, even for a moment. One of them will probably read this journal and I'll go upstairs and read the letter she wrote me, just to feel like someone out in this world feels like I'm worth something.

Because you keep saying you're "not worth it". Not worth my suffering, my pain, my tears, my agony. You don't even know the meaning of the word "worth" because everyone accepts you and nobody has ever shut you out; when I've never even known what it's like to truly be WORTH something. When you were my friend, I had begun to believe, to hope, that there was a use to me. That someone could love me for all that I was. How could I ever believe again when I've been so crushed and humiliated for ever thinking you cared.

I don't deserve the results of your selfishness. It's not fair to me and you know that. The part that makes you a bad friend isn't that you wanted to leave me behind; it's that you led me to believe you loved me in the first place. Because now that I know it was a lie, it hurts even more than you're saying something like, "I loved you then, but I hate you now". Because at least at one point, you cared about me. Now, I'm not even sure of that much. So I'm broken and hurt and lonely and nobody cares anything about me at all and the select couple who do live so far away, I can't even go to them and tell them how much I love and appreciate their support and all the kindness they've showed me.

I'M ASHAMED TO NEED YOU. My dad yells at me because he's angry at you, and feels distressed at MY pain, because he knows I can't stop feeling it, no matter what anybody says. And just when I start to feel a little better, I start to remember and it comes back to me in a rush and I sob and sob and I can't remember what it's like not to feel this way. Depression means more than having a bad day or whatever. Depression; true depression; is the scared feeling you get wondering if someone cares about you; feeling secure and confident that they do, and then realizing later that you're worst fear came true. That you were lied to and never were worth anything to the person that stole so much from you.

I can't stand feeling this way. But I won't stop. I'll never be "okay" again; that much I'm sure of. This is the lowest I've ever been in my life and I don't think I knew the meaning of unhappiness before now. I tell people that "everything happens for a reason; you'll be stronger at the end of your trials", but I don't know if I can believe it myself. I don't know what I did to deserve this, or why God lets me endure this awful pain or what I can gain from this in the end.

So I whisper a scripture to myself to keep the darkness from overtaking me.
"And whoso recieveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels about you, to bear you up."

Look at the mess you've made of me. Just look at it. I'll never be the same, and you have the audacity to tell me you didn't know you'd cause me so much pain. To "tell you if it's too much". You wouldn't do anything if it was too much; I already told you I couldn't bear it and you destroyed me further. So tell me, what's the point in trusting if all that even happens is that I get hurt? Even though I seem so angry and that's all the emotion in me, I'm miserable and lost and even after all this, I'd give anything to have what we had back again.

Next time you make a choice, question if it'll hurt the people who love you. If you don't think it will, think of me, and answer the question again.

EDIT:
My parents somehow think that I'm supposed to be over this by now. Like, I've been looking okay for a couple days. And then when I break down, they want to know why I'm still feeling this way and how long I plan on crying when I think about it.

Am I the only one who thinks maybe I deserve to feel something, even if it's not something good? For my mom, it works to hide what she's feeling and smile like nothing's wrong, because she can almost convince herself nothing IS wrong. But they don't understand that that makes it harder for me. Now that school is over, I have too much time to think and too much time alone. I just hope I can stay busy enough at camp next week to not think about any of it, and stay busy some more when I go to California for the 4th of July.

The truth is, I don't KNOW how long I'll feel this way. I don't know when I'll be almost okay, and I don't know when I'll break down again. It was like this the whole school year, but at least then I had hope that things would be fixed. Now, I don't have any hope and the person who I trust to talk to, face to face (aka, my mother), thinks I should be over it by now, so I'm ashamed to let her see me breakdown because I feel like it shouldn't hurt me anymore, but it DOES. And I get yelled at for feeling this way, because they want me to let her go and be happy.

I can live without, but without you I'll be miserable at best.

Some things you don't just "get over". It's like using masking tape to tape back together something steel. It's together for now, but it's never as strong as it used to be and now matter how much tape you use, it'll eventually fall apart.